 Just hours after I wrote my last newsletter, I found out that a friend of mine, who I have known for at least 25 years, had lost a long-term battle with depression, and taken his own life.
I’m still processing how I feel and, even though we hadn’t been in touch since before COVID, it’s still deeply painful. The thing that stands out to me is that I didn’t even realise that he suffered from depression, he did a remarkable job of concealing it and always seemed to be the life of any discussions. He was animated, passionate and happy to make a joke, even at his own expense. That’s certainly how I am going to remember him, but it is seemingly at odds with this new thing that I learnt with his passing. I did some research in my attempts to understand how I was clueless. In some part of my mind, I felt that my experience in hypnotism should have somehow brought warning signs to my attention even with our sporadic meetings over the last several years. The official figures suggest that about 1 in 6 kiwis suffer from depression at some stage in their life and it can hit anyone. It seems that women are more likely to be affected than men although women are also much more likely to do something about it and seek help. It can even affect children. Depression presents a range of symptoms that are classed as mild to severe and can be recognised by constantly feeling down or hopeless regardless of circumstance, maybe losing interest in things you once enjoyed. Often this is combined with sleep problems or negative feelings in general. There is some degree of stigma associated with depression which is why it can come as a surprise when the occasional celebrity admits to suffering from depression. I want to emphasize that it’s not a sign of ‘weakness’ to suffer depression and I would argue that it is a sign of strength instead to seek help. I also suspect that the official figures are wrong. From anecdotal evidence alone, based on my interactions with clients who don’t believe themselves to be depressed but seem to exhibit those symptoms I suspect that a lot more than 1 in 6 battle with depression at some point in their lives. The good news is that it is treatable. Embattled though our healthcare system is, there are various pharmacological solutions to the more extreme cases. The rest of the time a simple lifestyle change, or psychological therapy can make a world of difference. And don’t forget, hypnotherapy can help too. I would never suggest replacing conventional healthcare, but the reality is that I have different tools at my disposal that your classically trained psychiatrist does not, just as they can prescribe drugs that I could not. With an overworked healthcare system that is under supported though, I believe that hypnosis can be a valuable tool and supplement to beating many forms of depression. Even though it saddens me that I failed to notice my friend’s troubles or help him, I can and have helped people that came to me for depression or depression symptoms. I guess the thing I most want to share here is that it is not a failing if you have to, reach out for help when negative feelings threaten to overwhelm you. If not me, then someone is out there and willing to offer support. Take advantage of them if you need to because no one will think less of you for doing so, and it could make a world of difference. When you’re ready, let’s talk.
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 I’ve had a few clients mention, almost in passing, that they have an addictive personality and whenever I hear that, I’m reminded of an American psychologist by the name of Dr Bruce Alexander who conducted experiments on addiction in rats, way back in the 70’s.
What he did was he created two water feeds for some caged lab rats, one was plain water, and the other was dosed with cocaine. After a short while the rats that were given the option of the cocaine took it exclusively even as they grew sick and died. If he had left this disturbing experiment alone at that point, we would have been unsurprised at the result. Cocaine is bad and addictive and this pointless experiment proved it. However, the doctor did not stop at that point. Instead, he created what he called the “Rat Park”. The Rat Park was a ratty utopia, lots of exercise equipment, interesting foods, safe spaces and, most importantly, other rats! You see, rats, like people are very social creatures by nature. They thrive in company. Into the idyllic environment he introduced the same two water feeds, one plain water and one laced with cocaine. The results did not match the previous experiment at all. The rats, by and large, wanted nothing to do with the drugged water. The experiments suggest that addiction is the result of boredom, isolation, and misery, at least in the case of rats. That matches what I have found in my practice with people though. People who have described themselves as having addictive personalities to me seem to be unhappy with themselves, stressed out by the world and isolated from the people around them. In society there seem to be two lines of thought about addiction. There is the right-wing theory that addicts are weak and suffer from some sort of moral inadequacy like being a hedonist or some sort of degenerate. Then there is the left-wing belief that addicts have been hijacked and their brains held prisoner by whatever their drug of choice may be. What I find interesting about the Rat Park experiment is that it doesn’t seem to be your morality or your brain that turns you into an addict. Addiction would appear to be largely driven by your environment and the world that many of us have found ourselves in has left us isolated and unhappy chasing a hyper-individualist dream that revolves around money and prestige. I wouldn’t dream of making light of the struggles that people can find with addiction or make light of the very real problems quitting can bring, both physically and mentally. I’m just suggesting that sometimes people find themselves looking in the wrong places for answers. Willpower is rarely the solution. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobering up or going cold turkey. It’s making strong social connections with people, being stimulated and finding joy. Together we stand, divided we fall.  That’s because I’m going to talk about something we all like to avoid, literally!
Procrastination. Surprisingly, the inspiration for this newsletter came the moment I sat down to write it, and to be very honest, I didn’t have any real idea what I was going to write, as I’d been putting it off all week. But once I actually sat down to write the idea came to me clearly within a minute or so. A whole week spent putting it off and as soon as I was sitting down to write, all the inspiration and motivation that I needed was there. So I’m going to share some thoughts on motivation and share my 5 best tips to build up a good procrastination busting mindset. We sometimes work ourselves into a real tizzy about some task in front of us and, from one angle it looks like that angst and worry is about nothing. And yet from the other side it can feel like an insurmountable mountain. The simple truth is that both points of view are effectively accurate. Trust me when I say this, I get at least a couple of enquiries a week from people who are having problems with procrastination or motivation. Not being able to bring ourselves to do something is one of the most common problems people come to me with. During my sessions I often talk about how it sometimes almost seems like there is another person living inside us and making (or not making) decisions for us. I know that sounds a little crazy but anyone who has found themselves reaching for a biscuit whilst telling themselves not to. Anyone who has pressed play on a video when they have a project due tomorrow knows exactly what I’m talking about. So who is that mysterious passenger in our head, the one that seems to be making the decisions for us sometimes? I usually describe it as our habits. Habits are just mental shortcuts we have taught ourselves to do, to take the heavy brain lifting so we can hopefully do things more efficiently. Our habits don’t care about the future though, they only care about the now and that can be a problem. Habits always, but always, work on a reward system. They work to provide security or pleasure for us. We avoid the bad thing, we look for the good thing. In short, the procrastination conundrum! Unfortunately, the world we live in is a bit more complicated than that. By our own doing, we live in a world where we have to worry about the paycheque in two weeks time, to put the rubbish out tomorrow or to order birthday presents for family several weeks in advance. In short, we no longer live in the day to day world of our distant ancestors and our brains just haven’t caught up yet. The trick to working around the limits of our own primitive brains. The limiting habits that avoid doing things we have difficulty working up enthusiasm for, it’s both very hard, and yet, strangely easy. Here are 5 ways I shift it, taking it from difficult to simple:
I hope you find these tips useful. As always though, if you need a little it more help to go deeper, reach out to your friendly neighbourhood hypno. We’re in this together.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a comfort zone that provides very little comfort.
We maybe find ourselves settling for a job with very few prospects and then stop looking any further. Or maybe we almost, just about, screw up our courage to approach someone at a party or send out an invitation to dinner, or put our hand up for a job opportunity. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes we find ourselves paralyzed and indecisive even when, logically speaking, the path forward is clear. What is even worse, just as we are kicking ourselves for our weak and feckless ways, almost inevitably, someone points out to us what we should do! As if the obvious had somehow completely escaped us “Yeah thanks Mate!” Obviously, some of us have boundless confidence in ourselves and the energy to put a foot forward. Those people rarely have empathy for the people who are stuck between the rails of success and failure, staring in mindless shock as the train of life comes hurtling down the tracks towards them. Strangely enough, the inspiration for this piece was a pair of bright orange shoes that I own. I bought some utterly ridiculous orange shoes a while back and I love them! Everyone else seems to love them too! I receive complements at least two or three times a week for my attention seeking shoes. So why don’t we see more people wearing similar? Why doesn’t anyone ask me where they can get some like them? I have a theory about this. We can often appreciate someone else’s bold colour choices, but we can’t bear the thought of standing out that way ourselves. Why is this? I think that embarrassment is the great equalizer, along with its close friend shame! Between them they cause most of our hesitation. We are looking to protect ourselves from the harsh possibility of disappointment, regret, and sadness. As is so often the case, this is often not a rational or well thought out position. What does it matter if a complete stranger rejects us, doesn’t want to offer us a job or maybe even talk to us? Or maybe we are worrying about success, maybe we worry what sacrifices we might have to make to get to the top? So we never make the attempt. Very much putting the horse before the cart and refusing to even recognise an opportunity because it might force us to give up something that we are already dissatisfied with. “Okay,” I hear you ask “you’ve described the problem. So what’s your solution?” Well the truth is, there is no magic bullet, but just being aware of our tendency towards paralysis when a firm decision is clearly in our best interests can be enough. Recognising when we are being irrational can be a liberating and exhilarating relief. When a friend or family member approaches you and says “Hey this looks like a good match for you” don’t turtle up and get defensive. Consider that maybe you’ve just been offered the sort of opportunity that you will kick yourself later for not seizing. As always, if you find that you are still stuck, that you want a bit of help cresting that hill, building up that confidence or talking down that internal dialogue of self-doubt? Well, you know where to find your friendly neighbourhood hypnotist.  Is success hard work or luck? We believe a lot of foolish things to be true. Trust me I am a hypnotist, I know! Sometimes though, the silly things we believe are good for us. I want to talk about one particular delusion that can help us in life. Perhaps you have heard of success bias or survivor bias before? The basic idea is that if we have done well at something then it is because we are better at that thing than other people. To get you to where I’m going with this we need to take a small detour. I want to tell you about an infamous story. During World War II the British Royal Air Force noticed that a bunch of planes were coming back with holes punched in them from enemy fire. They catalogued where the most holes were and it looked something like this:  Is success hard work or luck?
We believe a lot of foolish things to be true. Trust me I am a hypnotist, I know! Sometimes though, the silly things we believe are good for us. I want to talk about one particular delusion that can help us in life. Perhaps you have heard of success bias or survivor bias before? The basic idea is that if we have done well at something then it is because we are better at that thing than other people. To get you to where I’m going with this we need to take a small detour. I want to tell you about an infamous story. During World War II the British Royal Air Force noticed that a bunch of planes were coming back with holes punched in them from enemy fire. They catalogued where the most holes were and it looked something like this: (image courtesy of Wikipedia) They wanted to improve the survivability of their planes but could not afford to add much weight. So they concluded that the places most damaged needed to be reinforced and protected. This is a case of survivor bias because they only focused on the winners, the planes that survived. Planes that were hit anywhere else tended to crash and therefore not make it back to be examined. It turns out they were reinforcing exactly the wrong parts of the planes. We make this mistake all the time, especially when we are looking at ourselves. We look only at success and not at failure. We look at the people who have made it in life and ignore all the people who are just as talented and hard working who haven’t. For example, astronauts; In 2019 NASA had over 18,000 applicants who were all hard-working, skilled, and passionate people. NASA selected 11! If you interviewed those few successful applicants, they would almost certainly attribute their success to their hard work, to the drive to succeed at an early age, to a love of mathematics or space that was encouraged by a mentor or parents. That they just got lucky is not something that would ever cross their mind. And fair enough, if you have worked hard for something and you get that thing it is natural to assume that you got that thing because you worked hard and were talented! But what about all the other, unsuccessful applicants who worked just as, if not harder, or even, what about the people who grew up in poorer neighbourhoods and couldn’t afford to take time off work to apply for the role? No-one gets to be an astronaut without being lucky… The converse of this is also true, when we fail at something we tend to believe that it is because we are somehow less worthy, that we didn’t deserve it. Certainly the people who succeeded, who made it to the top have a tendency to believe that we just aren’t as ‘good’ or ‘competent’ as them. Essentially, we like to believe that we succeed or fail based on our own personal qualities. We have a tendency to ignore external factors (also known as ‘luck’) and to believe that it was all us. This is a stupid thing to believe, but it is also a useful thing to believe. If we truly thought that it was all just random chance then there would be no point in even trying. It would demotivate us to the point that we would remove any chance of our own success. We all know someone who hasn’t accepted the delusion, perhaps it is you? Knowing that there are a bunch of talented and hard working individuals out there who are competing with you prevents you from even trying. Well, you have to try to succeed but more importantly you have to keep trying when you fail! You have to act as if it all comes down to your personal qualities and efforts. At the same time, win or lose, it is vital to accept the role that luck plays in the process. A final thought: numerous psychological experiments have shown us that people who chalk their success up to external factors, who essentially feel like they got lucky, are judged as being far more likeable than people who say that they got where they did through their own hard work.  I had a lady come to me, years ago… pre 2020 if you can remember such a time. She came to me because she wanted to lose weight.
Almost the first thing she said when I met her was “I have to get this done in a month!” I replied that that shouldn’t be a problem but I asked why the urgency? What she said next made me laugh, but in hindsight made perfect sense. She was booked to fly to France for a month-long gastronomy tour. She was going to get on a bus with a group of like minded foodies. Together they were going to travel from café to bistro to restaurant around France enjoying fantastic meals. I promised I would have her on track in time but in return, when she got back, she would have to tell me how it went. A few months later she got back in touch with me. She had loved every minute of the trip she told me. One of the first things that happened was that she made a new best friend. He was a big bloke who soon realised that she rarely, if ever finished her meals. So, being a gentleman, he polished them off for her. She soon realised though that she was getting much more out of the trip than anyone else around her. Where everyone else was ploughing into their meals with gusto she was instead savouring the flavours, imagining how the food was being made and enjoying the contrasts. The highlight of the trip was a Michelin starred restaurant where she had had a lovely meal consisting of several courses. She was content and her friend was very happy with his share of her meals too. Then she noticed the dessert menu. It would be a criminal shame to be at the restaurant and not try a dessert, right? So, she ordered some chocolate coated truffles with some sort of complicated sounding rich sauce. When it came out her eyes grew huge, his eyes grew even bigger. As a pyramid of heaped truffles in this sauce was placed in front of her. She thanked the waiter and proceeded to take the top truffle off, she sliced it in half and swirled the half truffle in the sauce and then slowly and thoughtfully bit into it, savouring the flavours and textures, admiring the composition. Then she was done! She passed the rest over to her friend and sat back to digest her meal and enjoy the company and atmosphere. She had got exactly what she was wanting out of the meal and out of the trip. The best part was that she was continuing to lose weight the whole time she was there.  Fear is a very reasonable response to a lot of things.
I say that, but I also don’t really mean it. The reality is that fear is an emotional response to the world around us, reasoning and logic don’t have very much to do with our fear response. Fear is a motivator to either make us do something or prevent us from doing something and it’s a very powerful motivator. It’s a rare individual who can ignore something that terrifies them. The problem is that most of the time our fears are irrational. We aren’t supposed to be able to sit there and weigh up the pros and cons of the situation, we are supposed to have an immediate reaction right then and there when we come across something that we fear. Sure, there is that moment of “what am I going to do? There are bills due and I’m out of cash!” That sort of anxiety is fair enough and I see a lot of people for perfectly rational anxiety and stress management too. Sometimes though, our fear response is hampered by that creative imagination that so many of us have. I met a great young child recently who was actively scared of most foods. The thought of eating a tomato, a lettuce or a chicken leg actually scared him. I remember a lady who came to see me because she felt trapped in New Zealand. She was desperate to visit her family who had moved to Australia but was crippled by her fear of Australian spiders. Too scared to even get on the plane. Someone came to me a month or two back with a fear of holes such as the ones in office ceiling spaces, and slugs. Every now and then I get someone who is scared of flying and I still often help people who are scared of needles. My point is that these fears don’t make much sense but quite often, for the people who have them, they structure their lives in elaborate ways in order to avoid the object of their fears or limiting the ways. This can be easy enough if your particular fear is a fear of sharks in swimming pools. Simply don’t go swimming at the pool and you will be fine. It’s an occasional inconvenience but easy enough to manage. What if it’s a bit more commonplace though? A fear of dogs, or crowds or open spaces? Sometimes people attempt to tough it out or desensitize themselves through more and more exposure. Sometimes they try to talk it out and discuss their fear with a therapist. Sometimes it might even sort of work. However, these are rational and sensible approaches to an irrational and unsensible problem. The part of the brain that deals with fear is the amygdala, it’s one of the oldest structures in the brain. It’s part of the limbic system that is also known as the lizard brain. By way of contrast the frontal lobe, the bit that deals with logic and reason, only developed in primates including humans. Fear is not a ‘let’s talk about it’ sort of issue, it has very little to do with logic and logic has very little to do with it. I’m grossly simplifying an extremely complex part of neuroscience and my apologies to anyone reading this who has actually studied the subject in depth. Still though, I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t been able to shed an irrational fear after asking for my help. It would seem that irrational fears are best dealt with using irrational and emotional methods. Ready to overcome an irrational fear that has been unnecessarily creating obstacles and challenges in your life? Book a session now at the link below and I’ll show you exactly how I can help :)  So I was helping Mum shift house recently. It was a daunting project but luckily the whole family was on board.
The process had, if I’m being entirely honest, taken months rather than days. Because she was downsizing there were tearful send-offs of books, paintings and furniture with their associated memories. There were ridiculous worries about how her dogs would adapt? Could her clients accept the new location? As it turns out to those questions yes to both and very easily. Still though, there was an underlying sense of unease that she kept mentioning. And I thought to myself several times “Why is this so hard?” If we ignored the things she got rid of, things she hadn’t used in the last two years anyway, what was it that was so hard? I’ve touched on this subject before, but, given the state of housing in New Zealand I thought I’d talk about it again. According to a study by researchers DeGrauw & Norcross in 1989, one of the most stressful things we can do is relocate or move. It was rated by participants in the study as even more stressful than the death of a friend or family/personal illness. Does that really matter? Yes, moving is stressful but we only do it every now and then right? The truth is that kiwis move a lot! According to Statistics NZ even back in 2007 more than a quarter of New Zealanders had moved within the last two years. So it does matter, it’s one of the most stressful experiences we can face, subjectively up there with getting married, and yet many of us seem to be moving on a regular basis. Are we masochists? Do we like inflicting stress and distress on ourselves? Obviously not for most people. So obviously we aren’t moving by choice for the most part. We are driven by the economic realities of house flippers, or rising rents or having to move for work. For some happy few they are moving into a home they have bought with the joy and trepidation that a mortgage brings. These are things that are largely outside our control, brought about by necessity rather than choice. These are things that we cannot do a thing to change, just a part of life’s rich tapestry that we seem to face more than most other nations. So what can we change? Here are my 7 tips on making a move a successful and, more importantly, less stressful move.
 Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels Why New Year's Resolutions Don't Stick!...
I thought I'd approach the New Year with a few thoughts on the subject of New Year's Resolutions and how a session with a hypnotherapist can possibly help. We are all familiar with the concept. There is something that's been sort of bugging us for the last few months or, even worse, last few years. This time though, it's all going to be different! A fresh new start for a fresh new year! It doesn't really matter what the change is although the ones we are most familiar with are exercising more and/or losing weight, quitting smoking, saving more and/or spending less and taking up a new skill or hobby. A Promise We Make To Ourselves According to this study only 46% of the resolutions we make are actually followed through on over the next six months. So what happens to the rest of the resolutions, the other 54%? Is it that promises we make to ourselves whilst high on the emotions of seeing in the New Year, glass of alcohol in one hand are somehow less desirable in the cold light of January? Probably not... It's rare that we make a resolution that we actively think is a bad idea. Most of us think that improving our lives is a good idea and most of us are pretty sure that we know what would need to change to make our lives better. So what's going on? Think about it... When you make a promise to someone else are you comfortable with only following up on that promise a little under half the time? So why does a promise to yourself matter so much less? Clearly something is going on here. Habits and Routines Here's the truth, most of the time, when you make a promise to yourself to change a habit, you are already starting to talk yourself out of making the change. "I've got too much going on right now so I'll start next week". "My jogging partner is on holiday". "I'll quit when I'm back at work after the break". That sort of thing sound familiar? We are creatures of habit and we don't much like to change even if we know that we would like the change or the expected rewards of change. Using Hypnosis to Rewire Ingrained Habits For a hypnotist, it's even more clear cut: Our habits don't like to change, they like being in familiar territory. The old way of approaching things is the best way as far as our habits are concerned and they fight to stay unchanged regardless of what we would like to think. This is true for almost every habit we have, good or bad. Deep down in our unconscious mind there is a well worn neural pathway that all things considered would like to keep doing what it has always done. When we decide to change our ways we essentially have to fight ourselves! Pain-free Solution Luckily, there is a reliable and painless way to make the shift and turn the old habit into a more productive new one. Hypnosis works! In fact it's one of the most effective ways to make a change. There is a reason why it's the most effective way to give up smoking. If you want to truly see a New Years resolution though. If you want to be able to reach the end of the year and look back with pride at your accomplishment, let’s talk! See what you can accomplish. Daniel Steadman Certified Hypnotherapist Compulsive Shopping So as we head into Christmas a lot of us also head into the grand experiment of spending huge amounts of money on friends, family and ourselves. It’s supposed to be “fun”, but for most, this is one of the most stressful times of the year for many of us. Our routines are disrupted, often being forced to take time off work, spending time with extended family who, whether we love them or not definitely disrupt our normal daily patterns. The Financial Burdens Of Christmas  I thought that I might take a moment to talk about the financial burden part of Christmas a bit more though. Specifically, I thought I might talk a bit about that moment of pleasure we receive when we put down a deposit or pay in full for an item that we cannot afford and how hypnosis might help reign in those impulse buys. We picture that affirmation of love we get when the kids tear open the wrapping paper. We picture that moment of smugness when we outdo 'such and suches' gift. We picture that small flutter of excitement as our bank balance depletes itself, mistaking that moment of tension as excitement. Battling With Our Own Minds Of course, rationally we know that spending money we don't have or money that should be going to other things is a terrible idea. If only our rational mind was the only part of us that made these snap decisions. But it's not! It's like the old wisdom to never go grocery shopping when you are hungry. If your stomach does the shopping you end up buying far more than you need! It's the same thing with so-called 'retail therapy.' Unless you have a bottomless wallet spending money to make yourself feel better is a bad habit that is almost worse than gambling because there isn't even the promise of a potential return. Compulsive Buying Disorder  Our house fills up with things we don't need or duplicates of things we already have. Our friends get lavish gifts they may or may not appreciate, possibly even resenting because they feel they have to reciprocate. Intellectually we know all this. We know that a dollar saved is a dollar earned. We know that maxing out the credit cards is going to stress us out far more than we will be rewarded by spending it! It's like there's a part of us that doesn't care and just goes ahead anyway. There are all sorts of strategies to cope from leaving the credit cards at home or only carrying cash but there are all sorts of moments of weakness, especially in the age of internet shopping when we can buy at the click of a button. Hypnotherapy To Reign In Compulsive Behaviour This is where hypnosis can step in. Hypnotherapy is better at breaking the chains of bad habits than any other method we know. We already know that it's the most effective way to give up smoking. We are coming to realise that it's the most effective method for staying the path to long term weight-loss and managing eating habits. What we don't always realise is that hypnotherapy is really good at derailing all sorts of bad habits and patterns of behaviour. Compulsive shopping is just another one of those. For more information on how hypnotherapy can help you, reach out and let’s connect.
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